Roller Coaster

I haven't written in a while. It's been a nutty time. I've had a few work trips and found a new place for the summer. He finally left the house to move in with his girlfriend. He didn't seem too eager to go which I find sad for him. It seems a shame to throw away one life for a life you don't seem excited about but that's his problem, not mine. The changes have been a real relief for me. I can't say how much easier it is to breathe when I don't have to see him every single day. Sadly, these changes have been hard on the kiddo. She misses her dad. It's easy to tell yourself that a five year old doesn't understand but she does understand. And it's upsetting.

Last night, she had dinner with her dad and, presumably, his girlfriend. I don't want to ask her - to put her on the spot - and I don't want to ask him because I don't really want to have a conversations with him. Fundamentally, I'm not sure it's my business. I mean, she's my daughter so what affects her is my business but I can't tell him not to expose her to the girlfriend. Or, rather, I suppose I could tell him that but I couldn't prevent him from doing it anyway and why start a fight I can't win? I'd never want to prevent her from seeing her dad so I can't get into a trap where I delude myself into thinking I can control what I can't control. I'm trying to focus on not going insane. It seems a reasonable goal.

Anyway, she came home upset and wanted her dad to live with us again. She said, "you had a fight and all you have to do is say you are sorry." I wanted to say, "yes, I am sorry your dad is a cheater, a poor provider and a deadbeat." I showed great restraint though and said none of the above. What I did say was, "it wasn't a fight kiddo, mom and dad decided that we can't live together anymore and we are sorry that it's hurting you but it's not your fault. We love you and we will always love you but we won't be living together." She does not care for that answer. He goes back to his lady, and I'm left behind to console. I also get yelled at. Which seems unfair. Sigh.

My eyes feel gritty and tired from the crying I did after she went to sleep. I'm so happy to be on my own. I can't get over how much more money I have now that he isn't draining my bank account. I've lost the weight I'd gained from all the emotional eating I did as our relationship was falling apart. So many things are better for me compared to a year ago. Still, it hit me hard last night to realize how difficult all of this is for her. I knew this would be rough for her. I knew it wasn't going to be limited to one conversation and then everything would fall into place. (okay, maybe I kind of hoped that's how it would go) But it's hard to see her so sad and to know there isn't much I can do to ease her pain.

It ain't all sunshine...

Yesterday was a hard day. In the morning, we were doing the before school rush trying to get to the bus on time and my kiddo had a meltdown. She just started sobbing and saying "I don't want Dad to live downstairs and us to be upstairs. I want us all to be together!" She couldn't stop weeping and soon I was weeping too. But I tried not to let her see that. I hugged her and told her both mom and dad love her but this is the way things have to be.

Because she's five, she got over it fairly quickly and went on with her day but it wasn't as easy for me. It kicked me in the stomach and stayed with me all day. It's still with me today. It made me so angry at him for putting us all through this. His selfishness astounds me. Not that I would change this. As time passes, I'm so happy to be moving on from him. To know that when I'm finally in my own place with our daughter, he'll be somewhere else and he won't be my problem anymore. I wouldn't change this, but I'm angry that he made choices that are putting our daughter through this pain. I might have stayed with him forever. I might have continued to ignore my unhappiness and stayed with him so that I wouldn't break up our family. Now I don't have to. I don't have to bear the responsibility of having been the one to end it all. And that's a relief.

That said, I'm not sure he bears that responsibility. He seems too selfish right now to feel the full weight of what he's done. He apologizes but I think what he's regretting is the change in his quality of life. He doesn't have access to my money, he's broke and he has no job. I'm sure he regrets what he's done because it's become a huge inconvenience for him. Yesterday, he told me he was annoyed that his mother sent money to buy our daughter a dress. She sent it to his sister because I don't think she was confident he's actually spend it on the kiddo and not on himself. He said, "my mom knows I have no money right now and she's sending money for a dress instead of helping me out." I still can't believe he uttered that thought. He actually said that out loud. He actually felt that. Annoyed that someone wanted to do something nice for his daughter. Annoyed that they didn't take care of him instead.

I can't believe I spent 16 years with a person who can think that way.

A good friend of mine saw him last weekend out shopping with his girlfriend. They were holding hands and laughing. I think she was worried about telling me. Worried it would upset me. It didn't. I did want to know what she looked like and really wished she'd gotten a picture. I'm not above wanting to be reassured that I'm better looking than she is. Luckily, she's a good friend and said appropriately nasty things about new girlfriend's appearance. What would I do without my friends?

Please just go away

He's still living in the basement. I still have to see him every day. Every single day. Sometimes, several times a day. He acts like we're friends and he'll tell me about a show he's been watching or about how great/exhausting/bad his run was that day. It enrages me. I want to tell him to go tell someone who cares but I'm working really hard at keeping myself sane. And part of me being sane is not letting him make me insane. To hold my shit together when I just want to gouge his eyes out.

He was supposed to be gone by the end of this month but on Friday he casually informed me that wouldn't be happening. Just all "there's no way I'll be out by the end of the month." So I went nutty. I told him to go live in a cardboard box but that he had to go. The conversation didn't get better after that. It got rather ugly and screamy and tense.

He said things like "I have nothing right now, you still have money coming in." Yes, that's because, unlike you, I HAVE A JOB. That's why money comes in. It is so annoying to hear him talk about this time in his life as though something has been done to him. As though life's been hard on him. He seems to have no understanding of the choices he's made. Of the actions he knowingly took. Actions that have consequences. But it's not for me to point this out to him (although I'm tempted and sometimes do). My purpose is to get out of this situation, to move on with my life. And I will. It's just going to take a bit longer than I'd anticipated...

Life goes on

It's surprising to me how long it's taking me to feel solid. Of course, I realize it hasn't even been two full months and we were together for 16 years and we have a child together. I get that this is a big deal. But, I've never been through a real break-up before. This was my first long-term, committed, loving relationship so the emotional volatility constantly catches me off guard. This morning was a glorious morning. It was sunny, not too cold and dry out. I walk to work every morning and although this has been a super mild winter, this morning was particularly sweet. I was listening to good tunes, wearing my new jeans, and I felt good. Then, suddenly, I was crying. Just like that. Singing and walking then crying, oh my. It makes me angry. That I have to go through all of this. That I can't even count on feeling good when I'm actually feeling good.

I'm happy that I don't generally start crying when I'm talking to people. Unless I'm talking specifically about this to someone who knew us both. It's hardest for me to talk to my sister-in-law because she knew us as a couple better than anyone. So, when I'm talking to her, I know it could happen at any moment. Then I feel bad that she has to see that. And that she's so angry with her brother. I don't like making her feel awful. But, as a rule, I can joke about what's happening, I can carry on normal conversations on a variety of subjects and not burst into tears. This, I think, is really great. I get through most evenings without tears. I stay busy and I'm mostly fine. And I laugh a lot. But I cry a lot too. I think the progress is that now, mostly, when I cry, it's like a quick summer rainstorm. It swoops in unannounced and it's gone almost as quickly. It's not like in the beginning where every bout of crying was a deluge that was impossible to stop. So that's progress I guess.

Jokes from the Dark Side

It's mostly not a very funny time for me but there are moments where the ridiculousness of my situation gives me some pretty good joke fodder. Here are my 3 favourites thus far.

1. About 10 hours after I first discovered the affair (it must be bolded, mustn't it?), I turned to him and said: "You misunderstood me. I wanted you to find a JOB, not a GIRLFRIEND!"
2. In response to his statement that we could work it out and stay together and in light of the fact that he doesn't have a job: "I don't think so because if I date someone else, he's going to be able to buy me dinner." Actually, upon reflection, I'm not sure that one is a joke.
3. To two separate friends who told me the only word they could think of since I'd told them about all of it was "Motherfucker": "No, that's not the right word, if he'd been fucking the mother, everything would be fine. I think the word you want is 'Otherfucker'!"

There may be others but they aren't coming to mind.

Anger Rising!

Last Friday was our daughter's birthday so I decided to have dinner as a family even though I would really rather not look at him right now. I invited his sister (with whom I'm very close) and her husband to act as buffers because I knew I couldn't hold it together with just the three of us. It was mostly a good night. The birthday girl had a great time so that's really what it's all about. It always helps to keep her in my thoughts and to do what is best for her. It helps me focus on my priorities instead of on my anger. But the anger is really ascending.

At first, I was angry at the obvious - the betrayal and the cheating. Of course I was. But I was mostly disappointed in him and shocked that he would have risked it all - the lives we'd built together, our family - for so little. Now, though, as time passes, I'm angrier that he's been out of work for so long. I think I'm realizing that he gave up on us, on life really, a long time before he started cheating on me.

He's been out of work since January of 2008. I worried so much about money and our futures. About how our daughter would go to university. About how we would retire. He didn't worry so much. He brushed my fears aside. Promised things would get better. Dismissed my concerns and assured me he was trying. He wasn't. Things didn't get better. As evidenced by our current state of separation and the fact that I have no hope or desire for reconciliation. Things for us just got worse. He blew it all away.

The anger helps a bit because it's so much better than despair. But I'm also worried for him. What is he going to do now? Will he finally be motivated to find a job since I'm no longer willing to support him? And then I get really pissed that I'm worried about him. Shouldn't I not have to worry about him anymore? Shouldn't I now be free of that particular concern? I guess this is another hard habit to break.

Shit Storm

Today marks two weeks since my life changed. On boxing day, I found out my spouse, the father of my child and my partner for 16 years has been cheating on me since the summer. Seven months of lies and betrayal. I'm pissed that it's such a cliche. Why couldn't he join a cult or find religion? Why does it end like this so often? Why can't people just tell someone they aren't happy?

There are no answers to these questions so I won't dwell there because therein lies madness and I'd like to avoid that if I can. We have a five year-old daughter that we'll now have to figure out how to raise together and apart. Of course, this isn't what I wanted for her and that's the part that makes me the most sad. That she won't get to know both her parents the way I did mine, that she might have to live with strangers in her home and get used to these people and their quirks. It's not that I don't believe this can be done well and it's not that I don't know many, many people have done it before. It's not even that I don't think WE can do it. I just didn't expect to have to. And for that, I'm so very angry with him.

I'm also angry at my emotional volatility since I found out about all of this. I'm not a person who likes to feel vulnerable in front of others, I like to be in control and to appear confident even when I'm not. But these days? A friend told me I was awesome today. I cried. Someone asked me how my holiday was. I started to cry. I stepped out of the subway station to walk home. I cried. It's exhausting not to be able to stop that in its tracks. It's annoying to be at the mercy of this shit storm.

I also don't like feeling that this was done to me. I don't like knowing that I couldn't stop this even though I sensed something was wrong probably from very soon after it started. I could sense that he was pulling away from me and also from our daughter. He wasn't as patient, he wasn't as present. I'd ask about it and he'd say that he was just going through a tough time so I tried to be patient. I worried that something shady was going on but, even though I knew something was off, I really couldn't believe that he was cheating on me. That just didn't seem possible.

I've thought back to all the times I've heard of other people being cheated on for long affairs and I've always thought she or he must have known. Now I know how it happens. You might know something is wrong but you don't KNOW. And the KNOWING? It's something you can't always face. Because KNOWING means you have to deal and dealing isn't easy.

Well, now I have to deal. I have to find a way through this nonsense and come out the other side a happy person and a good mom. Those are my goals. I can't elaborate more than that because so much is uncertain right now. I think that will just have to be where I start.

I've called this blog Step Ball Change because, although I'm not a dancer, I took dance lessons as a kid so, you know, I'm familiar with the move. Step, because when his mom found out about all of this, she referred to the cheating as "stepping out". For some reason, I find this hilarious. Stepping out sounds like such fun. I feel like it should be done with a top hat. It sounds innocent and lighthearted and doesn't quite gel with the ugliness of the act. And yet I like it. He stepped out on me. The ball I probably don't have to define but since it's the best word, I'll do it anyway. After he'd stepped out, he balled her. She was balled by my spouse. The father of my child was balling a 36 year old goth with a tattoo of her dead cat on her thigh. Also, that has all made me bawl more than I've ever thought possible in a two week period. So ball it is. And change, well, the change has come and it will keep coming. I've only just begun this journey and I know it will be a long road. I'm tired just thinking about it. I'm also tired because when I first wrote that sentence, I wrote "we've only just begun". I still think of myself as a part of a couple. Only I'm not.