It ain't all sunshine...

Yesterday was a hard day. In the morning, we were doing the before school rush trying to get to the bus on time and my kiddo had a meltdown. She just started sobbing and saying "I don't want Dad to live downstairs and us to be upstairs. I want us all to be together!" She couldn't stop weeping and soon I was weeping too. But I tried not to let her see that. I hugged her and told her both mom and dad love her but this is the way things have to be.

Because she's five, she got over it fairly quickly and went on with her day but it wasn't as easy for me. It kicked me in the stomach and stayed with me all day. It's still with me today. It made me so angry at him for putting us all through this. His selfishness astounds me. Not that I would change this. As time passes, I'm so happy to be moving on from him. To know that when I'm finally in my own place with our daughter, he'll be somewhere else and he won't be my problem anymore. I wouldn't change this, but I'm angry that he made choices that are putting our daughter through this pain. I might have stayed with him forever. I might have continued to ignore my unhappiness and stayed with him so that I wouldn't break up our family. Now I don't have to. I don't have to bear the responsibility of having been the one to end it all. And that's a relief.

That said, I'm not sure he bears that responsibility. He seems too selfish right now to feel the full weight of what he's done. He apologizes but I think what he's regretting is the change in his quality of life. He doesn't have access to my money, he's broke and he has no job. I'm sure he regrets what he's done because it's become a huge inconvenience for him. Yesterday, he told me he was annoyed that his mother sent money to buy our daughter a dress. She sent it to his sister because I don't think she was confident he's actually spend it on the kiddo and not on himself. He said, "my mom knows I have no money right now and she's sending money for a dress instead of helping me out." I still can't believe he uttered that thought. He actually said that out loud. He actually felt that. Annoyed that someone wanted to do something nice for his daughter. Annoyed that they didn't take care of him instead.

I can't believe I spent 16 years with a person who can think that way.

A good friend of mine saw him last weekend out shopping with his girlfriend. They were holding hands and laughing. I think she was worried about telling me. Worried it would upset me. It didn't. I did want to know what she looked like and really wished she'd gotten a picture. I'm not above wanting to be reassured that I'm better looking than she is. Luckily, she's a good friend and said appropriately nasty things about new girlfriend's appearance. What would I do without my friends?