Anger Rising!

Last Friday was our daughter's birthday so I decided to have dinner as a family even though I would really rather not look at him right now. I invited his sister (with whom I'm very close) and her husband to act as buffers because I knew I couldn't hold it together with just the three of us. It was mostly a good night. The birthday girl had a great time so that's really what it's all about. It always helps to keep her in my thoughts and to do what is best for her. It helps me focus on my priorities instead of on my anger. But the anger is really ascending.

At first, I was angry at the obvious - the betrayal and the cheating. Of course I was. But I was mostly disappointed in him and shocked that he would have risked it all - the lives we'd built together, our family - for so little. Now, though, as time passes, I'm angrier that he's been out of work for so long. I think I'm realizing that he gave up on us, on life really, a long time before he started cheating on me.

He's been out of work since January of 2008. I worried so much about money and our futures. About how our daughter would go to university. About how we would retire. He didn't worry so much. He brushed my fears aside. Promised things would get better. Dismissed my concerns and assured me he was trying. He wasn't. Things didn't get better. As evidenced by our current state of separation and the fact that I have no hope or desire for reconciliation. Things for us just got worse. He blew it all away.

The anger helps a bit because it's so much better than despair. But I'm also worried for him. What is he going to do now? Will he finally be motivated to find a job since I'm no longer willing to support him? And then I get really pissed that I'm worried about him. Shouldn't I not have to worry about him anymore? Shouldn't I now be free of that particular concern? I guess this is another hard habit to break.