It ain't all sunshine...

Yesterday was a hard day. In the morning, we were doing the before school rush trying to get to the bus on time and my kiddo had a meltdown. She just started sobbing and saying "I don't want Dad to live downstairs and us to be upstairs. I want us all to be together!" She couldn't stop weeping and soon I was weeping too. But I tried not to let her see that. I hugged her and told her both mom and dad love her but this is the way things have to be.

Because she's five, she got over it fairly quickly and went on with her day but it wasn't as easy for me. It kicked me in the stomach and stayed with me all day. It's still with me today. It made me so angry at him for putting us all through this. His selfishness astounds me. Not that I would change this. As time passes, I'm so happy to be moving on from him. To know that when I'm finally in my own place with our daughter, he'll be somewhere else and he won't be my problem anymore. I wouldn't change this, but I'm angry that he made choices that are putting our daughter through this pain. I might have stayed with him forever. I might have continued to ignore my unhappiness and stayed with him so that I wouldn't break up our family. Now I don't have to. I don't have to bear the responsibility of having been the one to end it all. And that's a relief.

That said, I'm not sure he bears that responsibility. He seems too selfish right now to feel the full weight of what he's done. He apologizes but I think what he's regretting is the change in his quality of life. He doesn't have access to my money, he's broke and he has no job. I'm sure he regrets what he's done because it's become a huge inconvenience for him. Yesterday, he told me he was annoyed that his mother sent money to buy our daughter a dress. She sent it to his sister because I don't think she was confident he's actually spend it on the kiddo and not on himself. He said, "my mom knows I have no money right now and she's sending money for a dress instead of helping me out." I still can't believe he uttered that thought. He actually said that out loud. He actually felt that. Annoyed that someone wanted to do something nice for his daughter. Annoyed that they didn't take care of him instead.

I can't believe I spent 16 years with a person who can think that way.

A good friend of mine saw him last weekend out shopping with his girlfriend. They were holding hands and laughing. I think she was worried about telling me. Worried it would upset me. It didn't. I did want to know what she looked like and really wished she'd gotten a picture. I'm not above wanting to be reassured that I'm better looking than she is. Luckily, she's a good friend and said appropriately nasty things about new girlfriend's appearance. What would I do without my friends?

Please just go away

He's still living in the basement. I still have to see him every day. Every single day. Sometimes, several times a day. He acts like we're friends and he'll tell me about a show he's been watching or about how great/exhausting/bad his run was that day. It enrages me. I want to tell him to go tell someone who cares but I'm working really hard at keeping myself sane. And part of me being sane is not letting him make me insane. To hold my shit together when I just want to gouge his eyes out.

He was supposed to be gone by the end of this month but on Friday he casually informed me that wouldn't be happening. Just all "there's no way I'll be out by the end of the month." So I went nutty. I told him to go live in a cardboard box but that he had to go. The conversation didn't get better after that. It got rather ugly and screamy and tense.

He said things like "I have nothing right now, you still have money coming in." Yes, that's because, unlike you, I HAVE A JOB. That's why money comes in. It is so annoying to hear him talk about this time in his life as though something has been done to him. As though life's been hard on him. He seems to have no understanding of the choices he's made. Of the actions he knowingly took. Actions that have consequences. But it's not for me to point this out to him (although I'm tempted and sometimes do). My purpose is to get out of this situation, to move on with my life. And I will. It's just going to take a bit longer than I'd anticipated...