Jokes from the Dark Side

It's mostly not a very funny time for me but there are moments where the ridiculousness of my situation gives me some pretty good joke fodder. Here are my 3 favourites thus far.

1. About 10 hours after I first discovered the affair (it must be bolded, mustn't it?), I turned to him and said: "You misunderstood me. I wanted you to find a JOB, not a GIRLFRIEND!"
2. In response to his statement that we could work it out and stay together and in light of the fact that he doesn't have a job: "I don't think so because if I date someone else, he's going to be able to buy me dinner." Actually, upon reflection, I'm not sure that one is a joke.
3. To two separate friends who told me the only word they could think of since I'd told them about all of it was "Motherfucker": "No, that's not the right word, if he'd been fucking the mother, everything would be fine. I think the word you want is 'Otherfucker'!"

There may be others but they aren't coming to mind.

Anger Rising!

Last Friday was our daughter's birthday so I decided to have dinner as a family even though I would really rather not look at him right now. I invited his sister (with whom I'm very close) and her husband to act as buffers because I knew I couldn't hold it together with just the three of us. It was mostly a good night. The birthday girl had a great time so that's really what it's all about. It always helps to keep her in my thoughts and to do what is best for her. It helps me focus on my priorities instead of on my anger. But the anger is really ascending.

At first, I was angry at the obvious - the betrayal and the cheating. Of course I was. But I was mostly disappointed in him and shocked that he would have risked it all - the lives we'd built together, our family - for so little. Now, though, as time passes, I'm angrier that he's been out of work for so long. I think I'm realizing that he gave up on us, on life really, a long time before he started cheating on me.

He's been out of work since January of 2008. I worried so much about money and our futures. About how our daughter would go to university. About how we would retire. He didn't worry so much. He brushed my fears aside. Promised things would get better. Dismissed my concerns and assured me he was trying. He wasn't. Things didn't get better. As evidenced by our current state of separation and the fact that I have no hope or desire for reconciliation. Things for us just got worse. He blew it all away.

The anger helps a bit because it's so much better than despair. But I'm also worried for him. What is he going to do now? Will he finally be motivated to find a job since I'm no longer willing to support him? And then I get really pissed that I'm worried about him. Shouldn't I not have to worry about him anymore? Shouldn't I now be free of that particular concern? I guess this is another hard habit to break.

Shit Storm

Today marks two weeks since my life changed. On boxing day, I found out my spouse, the father of my child and my partner for 16 years has been cheating on me since the summer. Seven months of lies and betrayal. I'm pissed that it's such a cliche. Why couldn't he join a cult or find religion? Why does it end like this so often? Why can't people just tell someone they aren't happy?

There are no answers to these questions so I won't dwell there because therein lies madness and I'd like to avoid that if I can. We have a five year-old daughter that we'll now have to figure out how to raise together and apart. Of course, this isn't what I wanted for her and that's the part that makes me the most sad. That she won't get to know both her parents the way I did mine, that she might have to live with strangers in her home and get used to these people and their quirks. It's not that I don't believe this can be done well and it's not that I don't know many, many people have done it before. It's not even that I don't think WE can do it. I just didn't expect to have to. And for that, I'm so very angry with him.

I'm also angry at my emotional volatility since I found out about all of this. I'm not a person who likes to feel vulnerable in front of others, I like to be in control and to appear confident even when I'm not. But these days? A friend told me I was awesome today. I cried. Someone asked me how my holiday was. I started to cry. I stepped out of the subway station to walk home. I cried. It's exhausting not to be able to stop that in its tracks. It's annoying to be at the mercy of this shit storm.

I also don't like feeling that this was done to me. I don't like knowing that I couldn't stop this even though I sensed something was wrong probably from very soon after it started. I could sense that he was pulling away from me and also from our daughter. He wasn't as patient, he wasn't as present. I'd ask about it and he'd say that he was just going through a tough time so I tried to be patient. I worried that something shady was going on but, even though I knew something was off, I really couldn't believe that he was cheating on me. That just didn't seem possible.

I've thought back to all the times I've heard of other people being cheated on for long affairs and I've always thought she or he must have known. Now I know how it happens. You might know something is wrong but you don't KNOW. And the KNOWING? It's something you can't always face. Because KNOWING means you have to deal and dealing isn't easy.

Well, now I have to deal. I have to find a way through this nonsense and come out the other side a happy person and a good mom. Those are my goals. I can't elaborate more than that because so much is uncertain right now. I think that will just have to be where I start.

I've called this blog Step Ball Change because, although I'm not a dancer, I took dance lessons as a kid so, you know, I'm familiar with the move. Step, because when his mom found out about all of this, she referred to the cheating as "stepping out". For some reason, I find this hilarious. Stepping out sounds like such fun. I feel like it should be done with a top hat. It sounds innocent and lighthearted and doesn't quite gel with the ugliness of the act. And yet I like it. He stepped out on me. The ball I probably don't have to define but since it's the best word, I'll do it anyway. After he'd stepped out, he balled her. She was balled by my spouse. The father of my child was balling a 36 year old goth with a tattoo of her dead cat on her thigh. Also, that has all made me bawl more than I've ever thought possible in a two week period. So ball it is. And change, well, the change has come and it will keep coming. I've only just begun this journey and I know it will be a long road. I'm tired just thinking about it. I'm also tired because when I first wrote that sentence, I wrote "we've only just begun". I still think of myself as a part of a couple. Only I'm not.