I haven't written in a while. It's been a nutty time. I've had a few work trips and found a new place for the summer. He finally left the house to move in with his girlfriend. He didn't seem too eager to go which I find sad for him. It seems a shame to throw away one life for a life you don't seem excited about but that's his problem, not mine. The changes have been a real relief for me. I can't say how much easier it is to breathe when I don't have to see him every single day. Sadly, these changes have been hard on the kiddo. She misses her dad. It's easy to tell yourself that a five year old doesn't understand but she does understand. And it's upsetting.
Last night, she had dinner with her dad and, presumably, his girlfriend. I don't want to ask her - to put her on the spot - and I don't want to ask him because I don't really want to have a conversations with him. Fundamentally, I'm not sure it's my business. I mean, she's my daughter so what affects her is my business but I can't tell him not to expose her to the girlfriend. Or, rather, I suppose I could tell him that but I couldn't prevent him from doing it anyway and why start a fight I can't win? I'd never want to prevent her from seeing her dad so I can't get into a trap where I delude myself into thinking I can control what I can't control. I'm trying to focus on not going insane. It seems a reasonable goal.
Anyway, she came home upset and wanted her dad to live with us again. She said, "you had a fight and all you have to do is say you are sorry." I wanted to say, "yes, I am sorry your dad is a cheater, a poor provider and a deadbeat." I showed great restraint though and said none of the above. What I did say was, "it wasn't a fight kiddo, mom and dad decided that we can't live together anymore and we are sorry that it's hurting you but it's not your fault. We love you and we will always love you but we won't be living together." She does not care for that answer. He goes back to his lady, and I'm left behind to console. I also get yelled at. Which seems unfair. Sigh.
My eyes feel gritty and tired from the crying I did after she went to sleep. I'm so happy to be on my own. I can't get over how much more money I have now that he isn't draining my bank account. I've lost the weight I'd gained from all the emotional eating I did as our relationship was falling apart. So many things are better for me compared to a year ago. Still, it hit me hard last night to realize how difficult all of this is for her. I knew this would be rough for her. I knew it wasn't going to be limited to one conversation and then everything would fall into place. (okay, maybe I kind of hoped that's how it would go) But it's hard to see her so sad and to know there isn't much I can do to ease her pain.
