Life goes on

It's surprising to me how long it's taking me to feel solid. Of course, I realize it hasn't even been two full months and we were together for 16 years and we have a child together. I get that this is a big deal. But, I've never been through a real break-up before. This was my first long-term, committed, loving relationship so the emotional volatility constantly catches me off guard. This morning was a glorious morning. It was sunny, not too cold and dry out. I walk to work every morning and although this has been a super mild winter, this morning was particularly sweet. I was listening to good tunes, wearing my new jeans, and I felt good. Then, suddenly, I was crying. Just like that. Singing and walking then crying, oh my. It makes me angry. That I have to go through all of this. That I can't even count on feeling good when I'm actually feeling good.

I'm happy that I don't generally start crying when I'm talking to people. Unless I'm talking specifically about this to someone who knew us both. It's hardest for me to talk to my sister-in-law because she knew us as a couple better than anyone. So, when I'm talking to her, I know it could happen at any moment. Then I feel bad that she has to see that. And that she's so angry with her brother. I don't like making her feel awful. But, as a rule, I can joke about what's happening, I can carry on normal conversations on a variety of subjects and not burst into tears. This, I think, is really great. I get through most evenings without tears. I stay busy and I'm mostly fine. And I laugh a lot. But I cry a lot too. I think the progress is that now, mostly, when I cry, it's like a quick summer rainstorm. It swoops in unannounced and it's gone almost as quickly. It's not like in the beginning where every bout of crying was a deluge that was impossible to stop. So that's progress I guess.